CH.1 - Its own to have its mean

(Ch.1  Its own to have its mean)
          Sitting in front of the computer, reading manga as my life goes on. With out any regrets, that would be a lie. I was suppose to be studying for the up coming exam on history. The details of the exam includes the history of Filipino Americans, how their were like when they migrated to America. They were being treated unfairly, which to the extend just like the African American. It made me wonder, is America really free? why were so many "yellow" people or even "darker" people wants to live in America from the very past of time, when they were being treated unkindly. America is free now, but am I?
           Going to college as usual, studying for exams like a regular student, and that was expected from the society.  Maybe find a good job and gt marry, don't ask for more. I mean who doesn't want to be popular with fame, who doesn't want to own a love one or who doesn't want to be praise from the others. I guess that is all due to the loneliness with in ourselves. The society expected us, human beings, even primates to have such behaviors, regulating the laws, the feelings, the respect, and our social roles to become organized. Because (laugh) if we don't do things we are expected, then judgments and comparison will kill our feelings of a being.
           However, personally, while I watch the news, about the world matter, or even just a little matter about an accident on a random road, I think to myself, the world or society, expect us to fellow the rules, that doesn't mean, the society will become as what we expected.
The wind rush through me, it was communicating with me "do not rush your feelings, stay positive, think rationally," how could I hear this from the wind... When I opened my eyes, I was on a edge, my shoes were off, on the side being paired up nicely next to each other. Even shoes have its own pair, I thought. I realized with one little step, my life could end. I guess, i unconsciously wants to feel the freedom of this unknown world. I know deep in, I'm scared to face the world of unknown. I know inside of me, I rather go to the other side of the world and live freely, and if I go into the other world, I will entertain myself with watching over the world, and dig every strangers privacy. I will not look out for my family and friends because I know they will be suffering because of my death, yet what scared me the most is, what if they are careless about the death of me. Such a feeling, I'm a coward. I am just all the other people, pretending to be strong, pretending I have no stress, and pretending to be understanding of other and I know if keep doing this I will lose my real self and become a fake bitch who can't tolerant any sympathy and die from pity.
               I think I am depress, so this is what depression is. I guess I was never a bright and confident person, good words from others were all fake, since no one knows the real me, it was all fake because I myself know it was a pretend. I laughed so hard that the sky will hear me and tell the wind to give me a push. If I laugh, will the sky accept me as a bright person, and then welcome me?
3, 2... "Because its my dream, so I won't mind if I die for it..." This phrase popped up in my head...I trembled. I must be stupid enough to be hearing that. What's funny is that, my favorite character from a manga said that. Childish right! Thinking about having a dream, thinking about an manga at the very last moment when I can see my freedom.
               I felt a drop on my barefoot, "oh! even the sky is crying for the sadness and unfairness of this world." I thought. And now, I cant stop laughing at myself for this stupid action I have, because it wasn't the sky,the sky will not care for me, not even a single tiny ant will care for me, because ants are stronger then me. They who have their own strength, their friends, their big houses which they will cares for each other. I envy them, I envy the ants although they are so tiny and ugly, I envy them. But, they are weak since one tiny drop of tears can become a weapon in killing one ant, yet, at least it was struggling, wishing so bad in getting that piece of cracked candy, and at least its friends come beside it, and pray for its death. Only if I have such friends...
                 3,2, on... "Ring, Ring, Buzz , Ring..." And there before I decide to jump, I still can't leave this world with out everyone I thought I was close to, I decided to take them with me in my pocket...

*Manga*- Created in Japan, Books with beautiful art work with words in it. Basically any types of stories. All Fiction but some with facts. Famous types are: Battles, Romance and fantasies.