Dreams

I think a person having a dream or goals is an beautiful and wonderful thing. Its amazing to hold onto something this wonderful. Enable to accomplish a dream, a person will have to go through so much, yet learn so much. To achieve a dream of your own, the power is always not to give up. And the motivation is always that dream of yours. Having a dream is a amusing idea that I, myself wants to own. While I'm still in the process of finding my own dream, I know the difficulties have yet to come, but I know my struggles will definitely be pay off one day. By all means I do not care what age or whichever phase I am in. I just know, for me to move to the next level is when I will find my dream then achieve my dreams. Im scared of the future of what if I will never find my dream but I guess it is the process which made it fun and lets named it as life. All I know is I will one day find it and achieve it, and with any rocks blocking my way, I will jump around it or smash it, Because I know, I will not ever need to give up for my dream.

Tomorrow

I think I might have gotten a little bit of emotional after watching The grave of fireflies.--Movie
At the same time, my sister left to an other country last week, and my mother who came here a months ago, is leaving to tomorrow to the home land of mine too. I starting to think, people will leave, one by one. Maybe      , when people die that is when you will feel said and lonely. I don't want to say something so childish but, forgive me. I too lost people whom I loved, and I would count my dog in this too. let me just be childish and say this once. I think when something is there but you can't reach it, isn't that painful also? When a life is not there, you thought of it as an end, but when something is there and you know you won't be able to see it, its painful. Of course living is still better then death. I may not be respectful in that statement but I guess that was just an other perspective. Of course I do get lonely when my parents isn't around, but they are alive. I do not need any pity because I know there are way more people out there who suffered from loneliness, so I guess what I'm trying to say, this is for the first time, I felt scared of the power of love. I was never scared of it, because  in the past I could think positive and just kept it in my memories, but this time, with so little matter...I felt scared of loneliness. Maybe it was because I just watched a sad movie.   

CH.2 "A stained Rose"

                       I decided to answer the call, and at least say good bye to someone, I guess all I wanted was still a bit of hope. Maybe I'm not alone, maybe this world is still balanced out. With God's creation maybe I am still an interesting paws to him. I feel like someone is watching over me, laughing at me, playing with me for their own interest. Because they are perfect, with their boredom, we were created. At this moment I answered, "Alecia...? Lets meet at waterfront mall tomorrow." ah! its Rose Smith. Of course the last person I should say good bye is her. I remembered now, I promised her, we will meet tomorrow and go buy gift with her, for her beloved boyfriend, Raymond, White. Rose as I say, her personality was just like her name, shes popular among not only men but women also. With that strong presence of her, she dated many men, but also hurt many men. I wouldn't say she plays around a lot, however she just couldn't find the right one. Maybe Raymond has the charm of a white rose,with his innocence, they mix together creating a beautiful pink rose which everyone admires. I could never stain that red atmosphere, however Rose likes my charm. It was 5 years ago, when we met. I don't prefer her being my best friend, but more of a shoulder-crying friend. I know everything about her, her family and her relationships. I would always just listen. I know her weakness, but she doesn't know mine. And its not because I don't have any problems with my life, I just don't like to reveal my inner self, not even to my little sister.

                       "I'm sorry, Rose. I can't be that one leaf for you anymore, I will not support and listen to you anymore, its time for you to face yourself and stand alone now." I said with out any shivering nor tears. "In these past years, you have ruined how many beautiful roses in your garden,and I have to be the one to replanted for you, I am thankful for your trust, but I think with millions of tears you dropped, the loneliness within your heart will only increase. Please promise me not to cry anymore,      so my shoulder can stay dry as I go?" Not that I feel sympathy for her, but I guess the memories that we build up for the past five years will not be remember if I die. Obviously, the gate of death will not allow me to bring anything with me but I realized, reason that I was scared of death was because of those memories, the memories I'm afraid to lose, it's pulling me back. Its pulling me so hard, I can't let go of this world with out saying goodbye to anyone, just someone. "are you okay Alecia...I can't promise you such things, you are the only one I can cry on, and what do you mean by go? are you leaving me?! are you drunk?" Rose said. Still as naive as the first time we met I thought. Maybe it was me who thinks too much, and who desires too much of this world and the people in it. 

                      Waiting is such a pain. I don't have patient for her to say I promised, maybe I should just jump   and maybe I should make my own red rose with my blood, although it won't be as pure as hers. I want a bit of darkness in my own rose, I need lots of veins, I need a black rose, a rose that people cannot touch, a rose that people will be surround by it, and slowly my veins will intertwine and tight up innocent people and spark! Redness everywhere splashes everywhere, what they don't see is the black stain in their blood. Did I stain the darkness in their blood? No, they were already poisoned, we, human are born with darkness from the very beginning, I just help them to spread it like a disease so they can see it themselves. Somehow, Rose starting to cry, I never liked her when she cried, because a beautiful red rose shouldn't have any weaknesses. I heartlessly hung up the phone. "And I can't even die in quietness." I laughed. I threw my phone off the building first. Now I am free and alone. My dream...has always be freedom. Free, and unlock myself from the prison within myself. I know I am dark, I know I'm sick, I know no one will rescue me, but me. Only myself can save my inner self. Maybe if I jump I can relive, to be born with a normal soul, normal mind, and as a normal unstained rose. 

                    

Coffee at 10:11pm

Went through facebook like a lost cat who wish to find her past that filled with happiness and found that I had this in my note:

-Even though its BELIEVE, in the middle there's a LIE
-Even though its FRIEND, in the end there's a END
-Even thought its LOVER, in the end there's a OVER
-Even though its FORGET, you will have to GET it first
-Even thuogh you have a WIFE, in the middle there's a and in your heart there should be a IF

Ha! I knew I was always this deep,even in 10th grade. 

Cosplay: Kuchiki Rukia from BLEACH

My very first time cosplay. The character's name is Kuchiki Rukiya.　朽木ルキヤ！死神から。

CH.1 - Its own to have its mean

(Ch.1  Its own to have its mean)
          Sitting in front of the computer, reading manga as my life goes on. With out any regrets, that would be a lie. I was suppose to be studying for the up coming exam on history. The details of the exam includes the history of Filipino Americans, how their were like when they migrated to America. They were being treated unfairly, which to the extend just like the African American. It made me wonder, is America really free? why were so many "yellow" people or even "darker" people wants to live in America from the very past of time, when they were being treated unkindly. America is free now, but am I?
           Going to college as usual, studying for exams like a regular student, and that was expected from the society.  Maybe find a good job and gt marry, don't ask for more. I mean who doesn't want to be popular with fame, who doesn't want to own a love one or who doesn't want to be praise from the others. I guess that is all due to the loneliness with in ourselves. The society expected us, human beings, even primates to have such behaviors, regulating the laws, the feelings, the respect, and our social roles to become organized. Because (laugh) if we don't do things we are expected, then judgments and comparison will kill our feelings of a being.
           However, personally, while I watch the news, about the world matter, or even just a little matter about an accident on a random road, I think to myself, the world or society, expect us to fellow the rules, that doesn't mean, the society will become as what we expected.
The wind rush through me, it was communicating with me "do not rush your feelings, stay positive, think rationally," how could I hear this from the wind... When I opened my eyes, I was on a edge, my shoes were off, on the side being paired up nicely next to each other. Even shoes have its own pair, I thought. I realized with one little step, my life could end. I guess, i unconsciously wants to feel the freedom of this unknown world. I know deep in, I'm scared to face the world of unknown. I know inside of me, I rather go to the other side of the world and live freely, and if I go into the other world, I will entertain myself with watching over the world, and dig every strangers privacy. I will not look out for my family and friends because I know they will be suffering because of my death, yet what scared me the most is, what if they are careless about the death of me. Such a feeling, I'm a coward. I am just all the other people, pretending to be strong, pretending I have no stress, and pretending to be understanding of other and I know if keep doing this I will lose my real self and become a fake bitch who can't tolerant any sympathy and die from pity.
               I think I am depress, so this is what depression is. I guess I was never a bright and confident person, good words from others were all fake, since no one knows the real me, it was all fake because I myself know it was a pretend. I laughed so hard that the sky will hear me and tell the wind to give me a push. If I laugh, will the sky accept me as a bright person, and then welcome me?
3, 2... "Because its my dream, so I won't mind if I die for it..." This phrase popped up in my head...I trembled. I must be stupid enough to be hearing that. What's funny is that, my favorite character from a manga said that. Childish right! Thinking about having a dream, thinking about an manga at the very last moment when I can see my freedom.
               I felt a drop on my barefoot, "oh! even the sky is crying for the sadness and unfairness of this world." I thought. And now, I cant stop laughing at myself for this stupid action I have, because it wasn't the sky,the sky will not care for me, not even a single tiny ant will care for me, because ants are stronger then me. They who have their own strength, their friends, their big houses which they will cares for each other. I envy them, I envy the ants although they are so tiny and ugly, I envy them. But, they are weak since one tiny drop of tears can become a weapon in killing one ant, yet, at least it was struggling, wishing so bad in getting that piece of cracked candy, and at least its friends come beside it, and pray for its death. Only if I have such friends...
                 3,2, on... "Ring, Ring, Buzz , Ring..." And there before I decide to jump, I still can't leave this world with out everyone I thought I was close to, I decided to take them with me in my pocket...

*Manga*- Created in Japan, Books with beautiful art work with words in it. Basically any types of stories. All Fiction but some with facts. Famous types are: Battles, Romance and fantasies.   

can teachers cheat for students grade?

*grammer, spelling, language use, tone of voice can be excuse---
SO, I went to go check up my grade today,
this is the first year that I actually have a F and a D in my grade.
I will obviously say maybe I didnt try hard enough, but for certain class I definitly did!
Math... I just cant handle it! Japanese, ten thousands of weird project that didnt even teach us japanese, and everyone is complaing about it, wow nice job teacher!
I mean, havnt I tried hard enough!
it dropped my GPA down a letter grade!
          Teachers can easily give us simple work, or make an easy test, or even if they like, the test should only cound as 40% of our grade and not 65%!
What we learn, is from our listening skills, we do homework and quizes, is test really that important. Fine, even it is important, yet didnt teachers always said, test is just to see where we are at, to see if we are learning it or not?
           Dude, my f* career will not be major on math, why do I have to take it and F* risk my GPA, that will affect my college!
           Teachers always say something nice, pretend they care but at the end, we depends on the teachers attitude and to see what their mood weather is good or bad; they can change the teast around, to make it easy or HARD. Also since we learn it, why cant we use our notebook to do the test! why do we have to memerize eveything that we dont care about? it will not affect my future because that wont be what I want to do in the future!
I honstly think, teachers think they are cool just try to give us tons on projects or homework just to show us who is the boss, or just to show us they have the power to control you.
I have heard teacher changing their minds to make the students to take tests when in the first place they said it will be a quiz, just because those annoying childeren are playing around and not paying their parents attention in that one small room! Teacher thinks "I cant tell you guys to shut up and focus so I will use the only POWER that I got,as in test, to show you guys, what happen when you guys get me mad."
That is what teachers think,
            I am not saying all teachers are like that, because I do know, there are some teachers that are really kind and want you to do the work for your own good, and I admire these teachers. The work they gave us, is what really matter in the future, and will help us to prepare for certain upcoming event!
What some teacher say is really BS, some slack and didnt tell you theres a project till last minuts, and then bloam on you say you were not ready and unprepared, some just give you tons of work and tell you to check it online, "it" wont even remind you or give you any notice (we are just F* high school students, you should have at least taough us and not just ignore us beside there and expect us to focus on the work, you have at least to warn us or help us.) Some, will say the test is easy, "ya, real easy, you are a teacher, you learn those stuff over years, we are just students, we jsut learn that friking thing, and you think is easy to us? teachers are pro's, your level of understanding is different then ours.Some will teach us the easy problems, go through easy expamples, and on the test, its a tottal different problems that we didnt really go through. Some will because certain issue then easier the test, because they want a certain students to pass or anything. If teachers are thoughtful then why is "its" requirment standers have to be so "High quility." Some teachers are good, they made the test easier because they know the among the students most of them, work slow on problems, or their understanding is not that high, so they let them use notes on the test, or they shortend the test, isnt that what you call  the real"care about your students?" it is not spoiling, its call understanding.
          Yes, it is studetns resposibility to stay on topic, focus and to learn, or when it comes to problems go ask your teachers for help, however, when teachers gave you crap of work that dont matter, or they jsut give it to you because they thing is fun, but not all students have those time to do it all. MOST students have more then 6 calsses going on if all teachers do that, wouldnt the kids just die from pressures? remember we are just high school students! High school is to learn and to prepare from college, but it shouldnt be like college.
         Teachers are the leader of each class, they are also racist (few), they can judge a students on how they dress, how they perform and how smart they are, and how hardwork a students are; they can also choose which students they can favor more on, and not give attention to the ones they dislike. It is their choice.
       I dont really have a conclusion over here, because I just wanted to express my thoughts after I saw my grade, but you cant deny half of what I said. Everybody just have different personality and how they act is just different. We work hard to get as much as we can get, do they work hard enough to really care about their students or just want the money and let the kids suffer?     Not all, not most, just a few...
     There are really good caring teachers that I met, same as the oppisite...